Perfectionism and Anxiety
I work with many clients who have high-functioning anxiety. These people are hard working and successful in many areas of their lives. Sometimes, part of what drives this success is a need to be "perfect" or as close to it as possible. I see perfectionism and anxiety going hand and hand quite often in my practice. The high-functioning piece, or the "success," often masks the anxiety because on paper it may seem as though this person has everything together. Many clients might only have a vague hunch that there may be a different way to be - which is ultimately what gets them through the door.
So what is this relationship between perfectionism and anxiety? Basically, it's complicated... The pursuit of perfection becomes a maladaptive way of coping with the stress of anxiety, and perfectionism itself further fuels the anxiety.
Meaning, for someone experiencing anxiety, accomplishing goals, excelling and being "perfect" may seem like the only way to quell the worries and doubts that are a constant. "The only way I can feel better is to give it 120% and reach all of the optimal outcomes, so that I can't blame and criticize myself for falling short." The problem with this way of coping is that nothing is ever perfect (especially in the mind of someone who struggles to see their successes), but even in general... things are going to get messed up, best intentions will fall short, the computer will crash etc. and when these things inevitably happen the anxiety increases exponentially and the person also doubles down on their sense of not being good enough OR the person reaches the optimal outcome, but any satisfaction is fleeting... the anxiety rears it's ugly head and it's back to the quest of quieting it through perfection.
The following bullet points are just a quick glimpse at a few of the hints that someone might be struggling with perfectionism fueled by anxiety. As a reminder, “perfectionism is more than pushing yourself to do your best to achieve a goal; it’s a reflection of an inner self mired in anxiety.” - Melissa Dahl
Underestimate Abilities
Do you worry about deadlines, even though you've never missed one? Worry about the quality of work you put out, even though it's almost always great quality? What are the hours, days, months leading up to deadlines like? People with perfectionist type anxiety have a difficult time relying on and trusting themselves - they have a habit of underestimating their abilities. Perfectionists aren't able to say "hey, maybe I don't need to worry about this because it will just get done, it always does." There are likely many, many data points of proof that they don't need to worry and fret, if only they trust in themselves and their resilience. But they still worry, because...
Attachment to Worry
People with perfectionist anxiety often have an attachment to their worries. Do you have a belief that worry = success? Meaning, "I've been successful so far and I've always felt like this. So, if I approach things in a more relaxed way, then I obviously won't be successful, everything might fall apart." The anxiety has been reinforced over the years because it has always been present, especially when you have had success. So what's the motivation to change? You might feel like the more overwhelmed, fatigued, jittery and "on" you feel, the closer to reaching perfection you are.
Negative Self-Talk
Similarly, there may be a habit of trying to "motivate" oneself through negative self-talk. You may have had a history of people who were very hard on you, or the experience of having to do things on your own with little support. So similar to #2, you may think that because you had negative messaging around you ("you'll be lucky to graduate high school") or just no encouragement at all, and you STILL succeeded, that negative self-talk and criticism is another one of your recipes for success. And it may get you the end result you want, you may meet your goal ... but can you feel proud of that accomplishment? and how do you feel in the process or after it's over? What is the long term impact on your relationship with yourself?
Very Intense "self care" Habits
Do you misinterpret "self-care" as another goal to be achieved? Let's face it, with the airtime self-care is getting these days, it's hard not to add that to the list of ways to measure our success. But, if you treat self-care, such as exercise, as one more thing to achieve, and one more opportunity to avoid slowing down and being with yourself, then there might be some perfectionism at work. Let's say you choose to run with a very challenging goal in mind, you do yoga, but perhaps the hot, fast, intense kind. Don't misunderstand... it's not that training for a marathon or doing power yoga are bad things... but watch the ways in which your self-care mirrors the way that you approach everything else. Are you employing habits of self-doubt, self-criticism, negative self-talk and worry within the moments that are meant to be stress-reducing? Is there a reason why you can't allow time for yourself that isn't goal oriented? Is it uncomfortable to engage in self-care in a way that allows you to simply be rather than feel like you're doing?
If any of the above descriptions sound like you, don’t panic. I have worked with so many people who identify as perfectionists and struggle with anxiety. Self-compassion and coping skills that reduce anxiety are key components to healing and it seems that once my clients recognize these patterns and understand that they have a choice over whether to continue or change, they slowly start to change. They find relief, self-compassion and peace.
As a place to start, just begin to notice if any of the above sounds familiar. Notice when you are engaging in worry or negative self-talk and ask yourself if there's another way.
